Do You Know
by Akumi-san
Summary: I didn’t have to hear you address her with familiarity for me to realize that it had always been her that you saw. Not me. Never me. Unrequited Heimdall x Freyr. First person Heimdall POV


**A/N: Hi, all!! Okay, here I am with another oneshot. Oh wait, I only have like two of those, huh? Ah well, here I am with a oneshot anyway! Please enjoy it!**

**I seriously just got into this series like on Thursday evening and today is Monday (I had it finish last night, too). And dont think I am one of those fans who writes something when they dont know anything. I read the whole manga and watch all the episodes, so I gots it. It was really hard, let me tell you, trying not to write this. I had the idea on Saturday, but I didnt want to write before I knew all the available aspects of Heimdall and Freyr and their relationship.**

**So long story short, I was VERY inspired by episode 11, which is rather amusing because this is so sad and that episode is so funny.**

**And if any of you are just some loyal readers of mine and dont know anything about the series, thats okay because any terms you might not know will be defined at the end. I did this on my DA - I think its nice. For actual fans of Matantei Loki Ragnarok, please bear with me.**

**Heimdalls POV and my first stab at first person. Please be kind. it wouldnt have worked any other way.**

**Idiotic version of Freyr and Zexion look-alike version of Heimdall are © Sakura Kinoshita, though if they were mine, I would never had had to write this fic. -sobs-**

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Freyr, do you know how angry you make me? Do you know that all that I vent at you is but the tip of the iceberg? Would you even understand if you _did_ know?

You're constantly stealing my things for your own selfish purposes, ceaselessly making me follow you around for Odin knows what reason, and always ruining my plans to destroy Loki.

I yell at you. I yell at you a lot. I've hit you on more than one occasion when you've really deserved it.

And yet here I am. I stay by you anyway and deal with all the nonsense you dish out. When you ask me to come shopping with you, have I turned you down? When you come crying to me for some help with another useless project of yours, have I ever rejected you? Do you not notice how I endure everything?

I just don't understand why _you_ don't understand.

We have known each other for years, in Asgard and in Midgard, so you should know how I am. How my pride as the guardian of the god world would never allow me to suffer a fool. How I care first and foremost for myself. How I would never help another unless it has something to do with me.

Why, then, don't you see that I, as patiently as I can, deal with your relentless idiocies? Why can't you understand that I'll help you whenever you need my assistance?

I have one eye, yet I fear that it is you who is blind.

I cling on to that notion, as painful as it, because the alternative upsets me more than you will be able to comprehend.

Perhaps you just don't perceive what you do not wish to perceive.

You see, when we sat on the banks of the river and you handed me one of those peculiar human pastries, I thought I saw the earnestness of the gesture in your eyes. Even though I had always been angry with you and had never offered you any kindness of my own, you seemed eager to help me get over my disappointment. As if you actually cared that I had had a "hard time."

That day, I felt as if you were opening up to me, though I couldn't fathom the reason after the way I've always treated you and for once, I felt hope. Maybe, just maybe, you cared. Perhaps I had been wrong.

And from then on for a while, you did nothing to either prove or disprove me. We went about our daily routines with no progress or backtracking, but the little spark of hope that had been ignited on that afternoon grew to a decent sized flame.

It was odd, feeling warm inside for no particular reason, but I think I liked it. With my incessant pride, I of course did nothing aside from my usual jibes and chastises. Though it did nothing to speed things along, my "little fire" wouldn't be extinguished. After all, the two of us have until Ragnarok. A few weeks, months, years even, are nothing.

But on one of your ridiculous shopping trips in search of pointless bargains, I realized that I had merely been seeing things that weren't there.

You were prattling on about how salt reduces high blood pressure after bartering your way into an extra serving of mackerel and, once again, I was just listening and deciding not to correct your misinformation when you cut off midsentence. You had this look on your face that I will never get. I would have been a fool to think that expression was ever meant for me.

Freyr, do you know how painful it is to be invisible? Do you know the way the heart throbs when the only person you see doesn't see you?

You were looking behind me, and I knew. I knew I had only been imagining what I so wished for. I knew I had never really been here for you.

I didn't have to hear you address her with familiarity for me to realize that it had always been her that you saw. Not me. Never me.

And you came to me that very evening, begging for my aid. Though my far-seeing eye was gone, I could tell at a glance that you needed help winning her over.

It felt like one of Jörmungandr's mighty fangs had pierced my chest when I saw the honesty in your face. You really loved this girl. The earnestness I had seen in your eyes by the river was nothing to the sincerity that was there this time. I knew I could never compare.

So why did I do it? Why did I end up helping you despite the agony in my heart?

Every part of my personality and emotional capacity was screaming at me to turn around and let you do this by yourself. After all, the great Guardian of Asgard would never have performed such an altruistic act back home.

But I did anyway.

Freyr, you never saw the pain you caused me in this one act of asking for help. You never saw the tempest behind the outer calm in my eye as I nodded serenely and accepted without a qualm or hesitation. And I think it hurts even more so just knowing that you didn't notice.

Though at one point, I thought you had.

You had shouted, before the night was through, something about those pastries and for some reason I allowed the spark to flare up again. I knew it was a foolish thing to do, but I couldn't help it. The warm glow of it was so much better than the nothingness I had always had before.

And the mention of the red bean cakes in my hour of pain, though I saw you eating them all the time, brought to memory that day on the riverside. That one time that I thought I may actually have had a chance.

Maybe, just maybe you had seen something other than yourself reflected in my eye.

But you had been gone longer than you should have and I worried about you. Though it was rather unfounded concern considering you were a god, I went in search of you anyway.

I can't really explain why I ran while I looked through the streets. I don't think I was anxious that harm would come to you. It may have been to just put a stop to my chaotic thoughts at the time.

I found you in no time, though I wish I had never found you at all.

The girl was there, too.

From my angle, she had looked upset about something. You, with your bag of pastries, took one out and offered it to her and my world shattered.

Freyr, have you ever felt the ice cold chill in your chest as all warmth is suddenly ripped from it? It hurts, Freyr. It really hurts.

I know now that I should have done something about this earlier. I know now that you didn't see what I had wanted you to.

But I also know that I wouldn't have done anything if I had known these things back then. My pride would never allow me to do that.

I _am_ mad at you, but not in the way I usually am. No amount of yelling at you will ever make you see the light, though Odin knows I wish it would.

Why can't you see!?

She doesn't love you anymore than she loves that blonde classmate of hers! She feels none of that for you. You are just another of her friends. Can't you see the attention you get from her is the same she gives to everyone else?

Don't you know that the feeling you are so desperately searching for in her is just in front of you?

Can't you see me?

But no, you have always been oblivious and maybe that is for the better. I know that you aren't blind. You have always seen only what you want to see. The pain of realizing you don't mean enough to the person you care for will never be an issue for you. To you, rejection is only an encouragement to try harder. And as foolish and naïve as that is, I sometimes wish I had the strength that you have. That I could see your love for that girl and just be determined to be better than her.

But I don't think I can move forward anymore, Freyr. I think I have become frozen by the chill left behind after the fire went out. I'm so cold now.

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Definitions (in order of appearance):  
_Odin - highest god  
Asgard - world of the gods  
Midgard - world of humans  
Ragnarok - foretold end of the world (like the Apocalypse)  
Jörmungandr - deadly snake large enough to wrap itself around the world_

**Let me know what you thought. Ive always wanted to do first person but never thought I had it in me. So PLEASE!!!! REVIEW!!! Feedback is important if Im going to continue writing. It helps stimulate my brain :D Loves to all who read this far and cookies for those of you who review :3**


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